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To pee or not to pee 1I am an old fogey and, yes, I pee a lot. Some people have told me that I should not mention that in stories. But what's wrong with mentioning it? 3 What is wrong with that word "pee"? Really? Tiny tots learn to alert mums and dads with "I have to do a pee-pee."" And in Ohio there is a river named Pee Pee Creek. So, what's so wrong with me writing "I pee a lot"? 4 Water closets are commomly called "bathrooms" or "toilets," but come to think of it, isn't that rather uncouth? You don't pee in your bath; ladies don't put on their finery in a water closet. 5 Places open to the public solve their excretionary problem with doors marked "Gentlemen" and "Ladies," or simpler "Gents" and "Ladies" or, simpler still, with some picture. An ideogram. 6 Truth in advertising. 7 Oh, I forgot "restroom." Lapis philosophorum, the philosophers' throne. 8 There are people who deliberately offend other people, yet wonder where to find a bathoom. 9 I am rambling. Back onto the straight and narrow. Like Archie Bunker. Remember Archie and Edith? Those were the days. 10 "Are you cookin' tonight?" Wikipedia is my favorite source of wisdom. Made a pitstop at "profanity." Boy oh boy! Did you know that profanities have become the subject of considerable academic interest? Famous psychologist Steven Pinker divvied them into five categories! Bet you didn't know that. 13 • Abusive swearing serves to offend, intimidate, or otherwise cause emotional or psychological harm. A few years back, a man was arrested in Halifax for using profane language against the Anti-Terrorism Act of 2015. Never mind the details. You can always look them up on the Internet. 15 "Schitt's Creek" is a CBC show; after a book. Professor Pinker would categorize this as "emphatic." 16 I like etymology. It bugs me if I can't find the root of words. "Profane," for example. The internet makes that easy: It comes from the Latin "profanus," literally "before the temple." I didn't know the word "fanus," but then again, being a know-it-all is not among my shortcomings. It used to be, but not anymore. I do know "templum." 17 As a five-year-old, on the way from home to kindergarten, I passed a store with prints and maps on display. Some years later, I was able to read the words over the display window: "Templum Solomonis." Impressive mystery. A year or so into the German occupation of 1940–45, the store stood nameless and empty. I didn't yet know why. I missed those beautiful maps. 18 I also didn't know why a man once gave me a nickel for having a liter of milk poured into a blue enamelled cooking pan. He was not allowed into the dairy store, he explained. But for me, life has mostly been just one matter of fact after another. Such as that bright yellow star on his dark jacket. 19 I used to walk to kindergarten. Today, five-year-olds are taken to the kindergarten by a parent. Times have changed. But in the good, old days .... 20 Oh! A Stanford study done in 2016 showed that the top two states in the U.S. that were highest on profanity also scored highest on integrity. Go figure. Myself, I don't like cursing but for the occasional "shit." I don't really like hearing people curse. Movies that use the F-word tend to turn me off. Conclusion: I can't be trusted. Truth and consequence. I ought to get a discount on Netflix. Trust me. 21 I have visited my birthplace a few times. I mean, after migrating to Canada—have to tell some more about that some time. Saw my old kindergarten and on the window sills still those red geraniums. 22 Sorry. I am an old fogey and ramble a lot. Back to profanities. 23 "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain." (Exodus 20:7). And as far as I am concerned, whether you are a believer or not, why should we? Why would we? Why offend? But when it comes to peeing I think that ev'ry tearoom should have a peeroom, ev'ry B&B a P&P. 24 Objection? 25 Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. 26 But I do love those bright, red geraniums. Still do. 27
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